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Friends dreamt of bridal gowns and sugared almonds and happily-ever-after; I desired a garret and its resident poet. The second night we went out for dinner but didn’t do anything. We continued to write, and I was hoping that we’d still be able to get together once in a while. ” “He’d been married less than two years, Laura,” I said. “I went back to the chat room because I liked the interaction and the flirting. Matthew was divorced, a successful lawyer in Florida. I opened up a post office box so he could send me real letters and photos—his dog, his kids, house, car, friends. “We drove home through the back roads and passed alongside a cornfield. I said I’d love to walk through that, and he stopped the car and we walked through this tall, tall corn. I recall her comment on how good premarital sex had been, how the taboo of it heightened the thrill, how the thrill dissipated within convention. “Then seven years ago my father died, only a short time after the death of my mother. I remember him patting me on the back, telling me it would all be fine. A little after that he was ill and we slept apart for a week or so. It was as if a switch had been turned on all of a sudden. And I hadn’t even slept with a man.” I remember my own first relationship after divorce, rediscovering the pleasures of lust and femininity—things that had imperceptibly seeped away year by year.I am fit, and good looking and have a very positive happy attitude and would like the same from you.

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She is in her mid-40s, tall, voluptuous, beautiful by any standard, intelligent, successful in her profession within the civil service. I recognize that her tale is not simple; so many marriages do not fit the definition of “to love and cherish from this day forward.” But I don’t yet see why she did it. I was really attractive when I was a teenager and intimidating to young guys. We’ve never been able to communicate when things aren’t going well. I said, ‘I think sleeping together is a very intimate act and we don’t have that kind of intimacy. He’s very handsome and fit—and he’s got a really big cock. Suddenly, someone declared me beautiful, revelled in my ability to arouse and be aroused, and so the sense of failure was replaced and I was reinvented.

We sit in an Ottawa restaurant in the early evening, eating salmon and mahi mahi, making small talk, both of us waiting for her to feel comfortable enough to tell me a story. I know Laura is going to say that she has cheated on her husband of 25 years, and I know she doesn’t regret the affairs. She was always terrified about what people would think. He told my girlfriend he was waiting for the old me to return. But he made no attempt to bring me back.” She’s falling apart and he’s patting her on the back! One night he came into the room and started getting ready for bed. At dinner I’ll take something into the family room and eat watching television. I have my own life at home—my own bathroom and bedroom with my phone, stereo, computer. He’s a good dad and a good provider, and he would help anyone—he’d fix their car in the middle of the night and then bring them home. Only when they returned in a rush of heat and longing did I even realize they had gone.